My childhood

By childhood I really mean some of middle school and all of the worst four years of my life, high school. 

In eighth grade I had about 4 friends but that was enough for me. I didn't care enough to pick out my outfits so everyday I would wear my moms oversized hoodies and jeans with stains on them. One day I got in a verbal fight with a kid and he said "at least I'm not poor"!! Well I'm 13 so obviously I'm poor but I knew he meant my parents and I had no idea what he was talking about. After my best friend told me it was because of my clothes I begged my grandpa to take me shopping. We bought like 5 outfits that I wore on repeat but was called "preppy" because I now owned 1 hollister zip up jacket and gaucho pants. 

That summer my BFF decided to put blue into my blonde hair, messed it up and ended up dying my whole head blue. My father called me a smurf and was beyond angry when I went with him to "take your kid to work day" with turquoise hair and a shirt the same color. He made me and my brother sit on the couch in the ren cens hotel lobby in fear that he would be called "that dad" for having the kid with blue hair. I didn't bother dying it back until well into freshman year and my freshman school photo proves it. 

High school was the time for my rebel days while also trying to go to church and be a good kid. Ironic, really. Once, when my parents were out of town I decided I would take their car for a joyride. I did after all have my permit, what could go wrong? I picked up the boy I was madly "in love" with and a few friends and we had a pathetic excuse for a party where we all shared 1 beer and tried rum and compared it to sucking on a sharpie marker. After my parents found out (they checked the mileage and my brother ratted me out, sneaky bitchez) I had no social life, lost all my friends, and basically got grounded for every little thing there after. 

My step dad did not like me for some reason and chose sneaky ways to show it. About 3/4ths of my 4 years in high school were spent grounded for one thing or another. And grounding is not the typical don't go out with your friends kind of thing. My groundings included but were not limited to: no friends, no phone, no computer, no tv, no church (I had friends there), no reading (I enjoyed reading), no going outside unless with my parents, and no playing with any toys (I was 16 and they felt the need to still make that clear). I also got grounded for the simplest things. I was grounded for things such as 1 week for forgetting to shut the front door, 4 months for the little car stunt, 1 week for telling my step dad he sucked monkey balls (LOL), and 3 weeks for showing my brother my parents disgusting porn stash I found while snooping (again, LOL). Now you people understand why rules scare me and why I don't like following them! 

Senior year some things turned around and I became the editor in chief of the high school newspaper with my best friend. Everything was going awesome until her and I decided to pull our own evil end of the year prank. We made the horoscopes every month (oh yeah I'm a star reader) and started from January we gradually made the horoscopes meaner and meaner. The first couple months people laughed at the stupid things they said, things like "scorpios, watch out if you have a hot mom, your friend is into cougars", but eventually we made them so mean and caused a freaking RIOT!!!! One example was "congratulations seniors, you're leaving high school with no friends and no life- dont plan on gaining one in college either" hahahaha we were heartless. Every hour that day we had students coming in to bitch at us and we shooed them away. Students and teachers called the newsroom complaining and my advisor who is cool as hell just laughed and said they were dumb for believing high school horoscopes. My oh my what a day. 

Coming to college I didn't know what to expect but thankfully I did gain a life and friends :-) 

Later I'll tell you about the downfall of my social existence in high school and how I became to be "public enemy number 1" 

Love, the babbling blonde

Library Etiquette

When you are in the library there are some unspoken rules and I am about to speak them

1) Don't talk on the phone...
Especially if you are in a room of 10 people... go outside... text people... I do not want to hear your conversation with your boy friend at midnight when I am cramming for an exam. Along with this is don't snicker every time you watch something funny on youtube. First of all, you're supposed to be studying- go home if all you're going to do is watch youtube videos and laugh. I am all for the whole pretend to be studying but really creeping thing but I also don't snicker every 20 seconds while watching a Jenna Marbles video... go home just go home. 

2) Don't let me hear your disgusting smacking mouth 
It's fine to eat, I'm a fatty, I always have snacks at the library. But it's another thing when I can literally hear every bite you take of your nachos and cheese from TBell. This is not the African safari. This is the library and you need to learn some manners or join the elephants over in Africa because you sound just as loud.

3) Do not invite everyone and their brother to our library room
This is not social hour people... if you want social hour then get your own room or maybe I don't know go the fuck home where you can talk as loud as you want. I do not care who slept with who because I currently am sleeping with no one so shut up. If I can't get any then I certainly don't want to hear about everyone who can. 

4) Don't buy snacks and not offer me something
Bitch you have a whole bag of gummy bears you can spare one. 

I'm so annoyed!!!!!!! Even though I am at the library right now and not studying I am not making any noise except the occasional angry grunt. 

Peace love and shut the fuck up's 
the babbling blonde

FFB IS A GO

You will not believe what has happened. I have sealed the deal. Me and my FFB (the one I told you about that is moving in a week) are totally gonna get down in funky town. 

I saw him the other day when I was hanging out with my little and thankfully I looked really awesome and we talked a little bit but then he went on his way. He texted me Thursday asking to hang out (obviously to do it) and I couldn't because we had initiation the next day and you can not have sex, drink, anything 24 hours before or after ritual! So I said we should hang out Saturday instead (last night.) He agreed but said he did have a lot of studying to do since this week is finals! 

Saturday I texted him asking what he was doing and stuff and he said he had to study and whatever and I forgot to respond so he texted again saying he was sorry and still wanted to hang out this week. So here I am "studying" (facebook creeping) with one of my best friends at the library and I decide to message him on facebook. That was the best decision of my whole entire life because we had the best convo and if I didn't respond he just messaged me again with another interesting something! Lets face it, my skills and talents do not include talking to boys so if someone is actually carrying on a convo with me I am stoked! 

Anyways, we talked about his family, my family, other things, things you usually wouldn't think that you would talk to your FFB with but hey, whatever works. And hell yes did this work... immediately after we were done talking he texted my best friend saying "I know you'll tell her no matter what I say but I totally wanna fuck Layla" (Layla is my pen name... can't be too safe) 

BUT OH HELL MOTHER TRUCKIN YES. I HAVE DONE IT. I HAVE MADE THIS MAN WANT TO DO IT WITH ME. ALL HAIL ME. 

My excitement obviously is through the roof and I proceeded to do a weird little jig that resembles the Irish dance while shouting "I'm gonna dooooo it, We're gonna doooo it!!!" 
Immaturity at it's finest, ladies and gentlemen. 

He then texted me asking to hang out tomorrow!!!!!!!! I don't know where this is happening since my house has a no-boy rule and he doesn't live alone... I'm living the life of a horny 16-year-old I swear... 
EITHER WAY WISH ME LUCK LETS END THIS NOW 9 MONTH DRY SPELL BITCHES

love, the hopefully getting lucky babbling blonde

Why my boyfriends are awesome

And by boyfriends I mean the men from the Disney Princess movies....

Prince Charming from Cinderella
He doesn't care that I'm poor, we met one night at his formal and I wore a dress my mom let me borrow and it was gorgeous and I felt like a million bucks. I lost my shoe but thankfully he found it. He buys me things and even though he probably wouldn't have fallen for me if he knew I was poor when we met, he loves me regardless and doesn't flirt with any of my sisters even if they flirt with him (because he's drop dead sexy, duh) 

Prince Adam (the beast) from Beauty and the Beast
This boyfriend has major jealousy issues but I know it's just because he cares. One time my sexy ex-boyfriend Gaston who's a dick like showed up and tried asking for me back, but Adam was like oh hell no!! He introduced me to all his friends who are my best friends but he hangs out with this old ass lady all the time who only hangs out with her son and makes tea which is weird but whatever. When we first met Adam was FUGLY and hairy... I am not into hairy men, but after a good wax job on his entire body and a few trips to the gym he was transformed. 

Captain Li Shang from Mulan
Talk about a real MAN! We met at the gym one of the 3 times I went and we hit it off. I told him I worked out all the time and he thought I was like this fit chick when really I would just change the level to like 10 on the treadmill while he walked by and turned it back down to 2 when he was gone... Then he came over and found my stash of snacks on snacks on snacks and he stopped believing me when I said I was fit... but he grew to love me after I bought him some Muscle Milk and showed I was a lean mean sex machine in bed HU-AH! 

Flynn Rider from Tangled
What's not sexy about a thief turned good guy? He's a true gentleman and once when I cut my hair way too short and dyed it brown he told me he always had a thing for brunettes... he ignored the fact that we had the same haircut and even met my crazy mom. He used to roll with a bad group of friends who smoked pot all the time and stole crown royale from the mayor, like what? But once he met me he changed his ways and now only steals my heart every day. 

More later!!!
Love,
Disney Prince obsessed, the babbling blonde

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

You know that song Crazy Ex-Girlfriend by Miranda Lambert? Well surprise, surprise, I helped write it... just kidding, but I wouldn't be surprised if Miranda used me for inspiration to that song. I'd say I'm getting better at not being so psycho but sometimes something comes over me like a sickness... a plague... the ex-girlfriend plague. 

When my ex and I broke up it was mutual-ish. I brought up the option of breaking up but I thought he would say sorry and ask to work on things but instead he was like yeah that sounds good... ummm hello you need to read my mind and know that was NOT the plan! Boys are so dumb... but anyways we decided we would stay friends and that was great for about four days until he met his next girlfriend. 

I don't really know what it is about men that makes it so easy to move on. I was confused because she looked semi like me except she was a bit skinnier but I have a bigger rack! Boobs are awesome!!! & He is a boobs man, boobs should win!!!! But, anyways, they hit it off and I flipped out obvi... I stalked her and accidentally added her on FB and immediately deleted the request... then one time I was creeping on her twitter and went back to August of 2011 (this was June, 2012) and clicked a picture and FAVORITED IT on accident. I was mortified. 

We then became casual cuddle buddies, which I enjoyed because my thought was that if he was still wanting to have sex with me he obviously didn't care about her as much... which may be true but regardless he still picked her so WHOOOOOP DE FREAKING DO. One time I wore jean shorts with a cute top and a jean jacket and he made fun of me for wearing jean on jean, my response was "it doesn't matter, you're taking it off" Damn, did I feel like a sex goddess.

Being friends/f*** buddies was great until I went to his fraternities welcome week party and made out with one of his brothers (after he asked to kiss me goodnight before leaving to see his new girl... fucked up man) and then stripped down to my bra and underwear and got in their Jacuzzi tub... alcohol makes me a scandalous stripper apparently. I felt guilty, told him, he got mad, but then used it as a way to flirt with by asking which underwear I wore and saying "I've seen those, they're see through ;) haha" Well your brother saw them tonight and not you, douche bag. Anyways, his girl saw the messages, accused him of still caring about me (what a crime, to care about your first love of two years still 2 months after breaking up) and to prove he didn't he "deleted me from his life". Who's the psycho now? 

Deleting me from his life meant blocking me on all social networking, deleting my number, etc. etc. This happened a day before my 19th birthday - happppy birthhhhhday tooooo meeeeee!

Now, I occasionally stalk him from my best friends facebook and just found out he works at the mall so it looks like I will be going to the mall with my empty bank account just to see if he has a beer belly yet, and show how hot I still am. :-) Regardless though, I'm super happy we broke up because now I am a confident, sexy, pretty young thang who can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Break free ladies, break free.

Since you've been goneeee
I can breathe for the first timeeeee
Love, the babbling blonde

My Nightly Routine

Every night I have a routine that changes slightly each night, but over all stays generally the same. If you've been paying attention I also am very keen on lists. Here is a list of all the things I do most nights. 

1) Evaluate my day
You've got to have a time to de-stress and either be happy about how well your day went or be able to flip out about the shitty things that happened. Today was a good and bad day... good because I made up with my best friend after we were being weird and ignoring each other for reasons I still am unaware of, bad because I realized tomorrow is the second month the gym will attempt to take money out of my empty bank account and then charge me a late fee... also today I saw my hope to be FFB and it just so happened I woke up late, wore sweatpants and a tshirt that fit me in the 6th grade but makes me look like an overweight oompa loompa now, did not shower, did not brush my hair, did not wear makeup, and had crumbs on my face from the donut I scarfed down 10 minutes before... LIFE IS HARD 

2) Midnight Snack (and by snack I mean SNACKS ON SNACKS ON SNACKS)
and by midnight I mean one at 9 pm, 10 pm, 11 pm, 12 am, 1 am, 2 am.... you get the point. Whatever I can find, too. Last night one of my sisters bought me an insomnia cookie, tonight one bought me 3 cookies from McDonalds and the new members brought cupcakes over so obviously I ate those too... I have a bag of popcorn I'm about to make and I won't let the fact that its 2:24 am stop me. One of my favorite quotes and personal philosophies is "any sized pizza is a personal pizza if you work hard and believe in yourself"... and I wonder why I'm fat

3) Creeping
Facebook, twitter, etc. I consider myself a detective when it comes to social networking and creeping is one of my favorite things to do. Today I went through my friends list to pick potential FFBs because my top choice saw the walking oompa loompa zombie version of me today and is moving back home for the summer in a week. One of my bestfriends told me the other day that people can see who you search now on facebook and I think I literally had a mini heart attack until I found out only you can see it... I think I would be socially shunned by men if they knew how much I creep on them... One time a guy I met once, Mike, and we became friends on facebook and one of his friends was talking about Mike's girlfriend and said something like "Yeah, she goes to some college in Ohio" and without thinking was like "Oh, yeah [name of college], 2.5 hours away from here right?" I only knew that because as soon as Mike added me I creeped on him, his girlfriend, found where she went to college and google mapped how far it is away... HASHTAG PSYCHO

I do other weird things as a part of my nightly routine but these three happen almost every night without fail... I need to re-evaluate what I'm doing with my time. 

Sincerely, 
the crazy babbling blonde

My Stress, Anxiety, and Everything that Contributes to it.

A pie chart showing the contributors of my stress and constantly rising anxiety:

1) My Mom
We are so different but yet the same. I'm a crazy person who is less than perfect to say the least- I don't care enough to fix things, and think everything is "good enough". She is a crazy un-trusting perfectionist who once checked the toilet after I puked one morning screaming "I DON'T SEE PUKE, YOU DIDN'T PUKE, YOU'RE GOING TO SCHOOL!" Well, mom, it is a toilet and it flushes...
She's one of my bestfriends who always has my back, but she calls at the worst time about random things like car insurance money or asking whens the last time I "got some" and if he wore a condom... it's been so long I don't remember... JK.

2)Boys
At this point in my life boys are not that stressful because I don't talk to them... I guess that's the stressful part. I've got no one, which is great because a boy is the last thing I want to worry about, but not so great on those nights I wanna get laid without sleeping with random people every night. They say sex helps decrease stress so I'm getting stressed about not having anyone to help me decrease my stress and then I end up ordering 12 cookies at 3 am from Insomnia Cookies in the thought that those will help me relax but instead I start worrying about the 5 lbs I gain from each cookie and the $12 I just wasted on freaking cookies! ENDLESS, PAINFUL CYCLE.

3)Bitches
Bitches are bitches man and they stress me out. College is better than high school but people are more conniving and backstabbing in college. Everyone was a bitch in high school and they didn't care to hide it. In college there is a NEW BRAND OF BITCH.

4)Money/Work
I am poor and being poor stinks. Today I got blisters on my toes from the pair of Sperries that I never wear, which I bought with my refund back in September... each blister is another painful reminder I suck at saving money.

5)School
Over in 2 weeks thank God, but starts again in September. Last night I was up til 3 am studying for an astronomy exam, I was so prepared. This morning I arrive and the prof says "The exam will be postponed til Wednesday," AHHHHHH!!!!!! I COULD HAVE BEEN SLEEPING AND DREAMING OF CATS OR CUPCAKES OR A NAKED BRAD PITT (pre-beard, of course) 

6)Sorority
I have a tendency to take everything on without thinking about how much work it will actually take... so I end up with 5 positions in my sorority, all with events at the same time, all having me resort to spending the majority of the day wishing I was a cat and sitting alone in my car drinking a box of wine.

7)Food 
Being poor, I can't afford food so I eat what I can get (which today is 3 hotdogs and a cupcake a new member brought over). This also leaves me super unhealthy because for some reason junk food is really cheap. My dad told me I should just eat smaller portions and I'll lose weight but little does he know that if someone offers me 6 pieces of pizza I will most definitely eat them because it's like a feast compared to my usual meals of jerky and beans. Getting skinny and healthy is hard when your food choices is limited to what people offer you or what leftovers your mom gives you when you go to visit... last time it was literally half a poptart and a bag of kettle korn... thanks mom.

Here's my stress laid out for you... I just realized all the things I have to do so instead of doing them I am going to go drink the flask of burnetts' I have in my trunk. 

All my love,
Babbling Blonde

Ideas for my new BUI$NE$$

This broke college gal has been up thinking of a few ways to make an extra buck. Most of my ideas are extremely detailed and end up making no sense and no one would have a use for them, but the following two ideas are the closest I have to anything actually relevant to the job market around here... aka other broke kids and the few rich bitches (ok they're not all bitches) in this college town.

1) WALK OF SHAME SHUTTLE
This is a legitimate idea that I did not come up with, but I checked and the girl who made that commercial for it right around the corner at U of M is not actually doing it... So basically, my car becomes a taxi for walk of shamers, or anyone who needs a ride, for a flat fee of $5. With the $5 you are guaranteed a ride to wherever in Ypsi or Ann Arbor (unless I'm angsty and don't want to go there), a water, and a mint for your morning breath. I'd say this is great because haven't you heard of the taxi cab killer?? I, an innocent nineteen year old college kid would never kill anyone who got into my walk of shame shuttle, and I am offering you water and mints. Would this work? Eventually I'd branch out, get other drivers, have like granola bars or cheez-its for sale in the car and give the driver I make my employee most the profit, saving some for me because I was the genius who started it. Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead... 

2) ANYWHERE-DELIVERY
How many times have you thought to yourself, "Damn, I wish Taco Bell delivered,"? Well, wish no more because for a delivery fee plus cost of food and hopefully a generous tip, I will go and get your Taco Bell, or McDonalds, or whatever fast food, and bring it back to you in a timely manner! Starbucks too- I could do it all! BE HUNGRY, TIRED, THIRSTY NO MORE WITH BABBLING BLONDE DELIVERY. This sounds like a winner to me. 

My last idea involves sitting on campus begging for loose change while occasionally yelling random things to myself like "I want army pants and flip flops... Regina give me your army pants and flip flops!!! HEAVY FLOW WIDE SET VAGINA" so everyone thinks I'm crazy and donates to me :-)
Tell me what you think!

Sincerely, 
the broke as a joke babbling blonde

Qualifications for a FFB

As previously stated, FFB stands for "Future F*** Buddy". Now picking the perfect FFB for me is actually quite difficult. I don't want just anyone to give my goodies to, I want someone that I hand pick and I feel comfortable knowing that they will see me naked on multiple occasions. So, I have put together a list of the things I require in a FFB: 

1) They can't be my "type" or the hottest man in the universe. 
Not saying I could even score with the hottest man in the universe but regardless. Say my type is tall and skinny (it is) then I should pick someone who maybe has a lil pudge like me, or is on the shorter side. Now people tell me all the time they don't have a type and they are attracted to personality, which is great, so am I, but when I see someone sexy walking down the street I don't think to myself "Yum, wouldn't I like to get a piece of that personality..." NO. I think, "DAMN LEMME SEE YOUR ABS!" or if they don't have abs, some other sexy body part like their butt (I like me some firm booty). And in this case I am not looking for a boyfriend so unless he is a total douche bag I don't really care about his personality but rather the package.... BUT, anyways, if you pick a FFB that is your type, or ungodly sexy, there is more of a chance that you actually fall for them, and we all know the worst thing you can do is fall for your 'cuddle buddy'. 


2) They aren't the commitment type.
At least if you fall for your FFB you can, i don't know, go into this fantasy world thinking its more than what it is or just simply or maybe not-so-simply walk away and find another FFB. But, if your FFB falls for you then that opens another can of worms. They become clingy and wanting to take you out, which is great for the free food but not great for the whole not wanting anything more thing. You want to know that he will be okay with you talking to other guys and is comfortable doing the same. I don't want someone sleeping with 15 girls though, don't get me wrong. 

Once, I made out with a guy after hanging out at the bar and I thought it was just a one time thing but alas, I was wrong. I then received a text with a variation of "hey", "what's up", or "hey cutie" every other day for the next three weeks, I didn't respond to a single one. Then after those three weeks were over it continued with once every two weeks and finally died out after 3 months... (See pic below, keep in mind we met in August) You do not want one of THOSE as your FFB you need to know his reputation and whether or not he's a stage 5 clinger... which brings me to my final big requirement of a FFB.

3) I must actually KNOW them.
Not know them in any like oh, you were my best friend now I want to sleep with you, just know them enough to decide whether or not they have a good chance of having an STD or are going to become a stage 5 clinger like my friend from the bar. You don't want your FFB airing your dirty laundry everywhere like I am now, but you want someone that you would be proud to call your cuddle bud if people did by chance find out. 

I aim high, even when it comes to things like this! I do not take this funny business too lightly and here's where I tell you to make sure if you get a funny business friend you stay safe, get checked, and don't have babies :-) 

Sincerely, the babbling blonde

The Blonde Behind all the Babbling

Unfortunately this blonde is naturally a brunette but I hold true to the saying "Born to be Blonde." With my blonde hair I've taken a lot of risks, made a lot of stupid but needed mistakes, and have decided to improve myself and use this to document my progress. 

Now before you get to thinking I'm something like an overweight alcoholic or druggy or something absurd let me fill you in. 
I'm average, actually I'm curvy. I've got the butt, the boobs, and a nice lil cushioned belly. I would compare myself to Kim Kardashian- Just kidding. I'm more of the Khloe that isn't like toned like she is now but isn't big like she was before, I'm Khloe in the middle of her weight loss journey... with blonde hair of course. While weight loss is definitely on my list of to-do's it's not my top priority because I like brownies more than collar bones and watching the all day Law and Order SVU Marathons rather than getting up and running or something "worthwhile"...who says watching SVU for 10 hours straight isn't worthwhile anyways?! But we'll work on it, eventually.

I'm not an alcoholic... but surprisingly one of my goals is to go out and probably drink MORE and stay at home LESS (while still staying away from drugs... not going that crazy). Last summer after I was dumped at the end of a two-year relationship (meh) I went out, went crazy, and had the best three months of my life! It got me into a lot of trouble, but it also got me out there, over my ex and helped me LIVE!!!! Once school started, I ended my partying ways to focus on school, my sorority, and other important things... which is great but now I'm so lame no one asks me to go out anymore because they know I'll say no (probably because I'm watching SVU). Summer is about to start in two weeks and I'm looking to find a balance between being a crazy drunk and still being responsible... we'll see about that. 

Being a poor college student in a sorority that sucks the life out of my bank account -well worth it, but still leaves me poor- I need to find better ways to MAKE MONEY!! I just got a promotion with my dads office and plan on working Monday-Thursday 10-5 so that will give me funds but then I will be back in school after 3 months and without money again, paying my own food, insurance, housing, sorority dues, etc. I'm on my own in this cruel world when it comes to money. I was also recently sent to collections for my absurd amount of university parking tickets so my credit will be screwed and I can't afford to pay it right now. I have $30 in my bank account for the next 2 weeks and let me tell you living off the leftover hot dogs from my sororities last event and the stale beef jerky in my cabinet is NOT cutting it! 

Lastly, my love life, which could be compared to Pluto's status as a planet... non-existent. Like I said, I was dumped after a two-year relationship, but that was last May - almost a year ago. I've had a few flings but nothing ever felt right or worked out... Either the guy discovered my crazy and fled, I found their crazy, or they were perfect and I wasn't ready to commit. All tragic really... just kidding my love life is a series of short, pathetic comedies. I even dabbled in online dating which is scary in itself...more about that at another time. Currently I'm not looking for a relationship, but I am looking for something (hehe). After eight long months without sex I've decided I CAN have it all, I have decided to find myself a perfect cuddle buddy (for lack of better terms... I don't like the F word on the internet) while abstaining from any commitment! I've only ever slept with two men, one being my ex and the other a sad mistake made on a screwy Monday during that wild summer I mentioned... So since I don't want a boyfriend for the time being I am looking for a FFB (Future F*** Buddy). WISH ME LUCK!

So there's me. You'll learn more about my twisted chain of events called life as these posts increase, and hopefully I can reach my goals and become who in my eyes is the best version of me, the babbling blonde.